I found a recipe for a sugar scrub online today and decided that I had to try it out instead of working on homework.
I cut the recipe in half, mixing:
a little over 1 cup of regular granulated sugar
half a cup of olive oil (though any cooking or body oil should work)
and I squeezed 1/2 of a lemon (the actual recipe calls for 5 tablespoons of a citrus juice)
and then used it while shaving my legs. I shaved my legs first, then rubbed the scrub over them, rinsed it off, and shaved again to remove the dead skin loosened by the scrub. After that I ended up basically just taking a bath in the stuff, and then showering after to rinse off all of the scrub and leftover oil. Then I wandered around my apartment in my underwear to get all of my roommates to touch me, because let's be real, who wouldn't want to touch me now that I'm smooth as a new baby's ass, hmm?
It's seriously some great stuff, and it's the only real scrub I've ever tried so far so there's probably something better out there, but I'm loving this one so far!
Now I have to get to work; I have one four page paper due tomorrow, another paper due Thursday that I think has to be 3 pages, maybe? And one more four to five pager due on Monday but we can email it in by Friday if we want, which I do want to do because I'm going to be in Indiana all weekend so I don't want to have to worry about schoolwork! And in addition to all of those papers, I also have a math exam tomorrow!
Pray for me.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Batten Down the Hatches
I never got around to a real Friday Five post this past weekend, but now I'm posting through a hurricane so I guess we'll have that as a balance.
I live in the DC area, so we've been preparing for surviving the next few days in the storm's path. School was actually cancelled for today and tomorrow, which is notable because the University of Maryland is known for not shutting down lightly - maybe this is the 2012 Armageddon that everyone's been worried about. I've stocked up on batteries and candles, granola bars and water bottles. To be honest, I don't really know why everyone freaks out about buying water before storms anyway (I got a case of 24 for $5 because my mom told me to). I guess it depends on if your water is contaminated or something. Either way, I'm prepared even if I don't agree or understand.
Wells and I were baking last night and today, so we have pumpkin cake and cornbread muffins to eat if our power goes out, along with bowls and bowls of pasta salad. We've also been making our own bags of ice, so that if our power does go out, we can keep our perishables safe in a cooler. We still have power for now though so I'm not sure if we'll need it all or not.
There's a creek that runs behind my building that was getting steadily higher all day as the rain poured down, so I actually can't wait to see tomorrow how high it'll be after a full day and night of rain.
I don't really have much to talk about with the hurricane. I like that school got cancelled, but it didn't really do much for pushing back assignments for me. I still need to do all of my work and study for some upcoming exams. I have food and water, flashlights and candles. I'm prepared to charge my phone and laptop in my car, if it comes to that.
Governor O'Malley, who I follow on twitter thank you very much, just informed me that we're now getting into the worst part of the storm. I guess we'll see how things look in the morning. Hopefully I'll still have power by then!
I live in the DC area, so we've been preparing for surviving the next few days in the storm's path. School was actually cancelled for today and tomorrow, which is notable because the University of Maryland is known for not shutting down lightly - maybe this is the 2012 Armageddon that everyone's been worried about. I've stocked up on batteries and candles, granola bars and water bottles. To be honest, I don't really know why everyone freaks out about buying water before storms anyway (I got a case of 24 for $5 because my mom told me to). I guess it depends on if your water is contaminated or something. Either way, I'm prepared even if I don't agree or understand.
Wells and I were baking last night and today, so we have pumpkin cake and cornbread muffins to eat if our power goes out, along with bowls and bowls of pasta salad. We've also been making our own bags of ice, so that if our power does go out, we can keep our perishables safe in a cooler. We still have power for now though so I'm not sure if we'll need it all or not.
There's a creek that runs behind my building that was getting steadily higher all day as the rain poured down, so I actually can't wait to see tomorrow how high it'll be after a full day and night of rain.
I don't really have much to talk about with the hurricane. I like that school got cancelled, but it didn't really do much for pushing back assignments for me. I still need to do all of my work and study for some upcoming exams. I have food and water, flashlights and candles. I'm prepared to charge my phone and laptop in my car, if it comes to that.
Governor O'Malley, who I follow on twitter thank you very much, just informed me that we're now getting into the worst part of the storm. I guess we'll see how things look in the morning. Hopefully I'll still have power by then!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Instalife
I'm postponing the Friday Five to tomorrow (or Sunday maybe) so enjoy some of my instagrams from this week instead!
1. A grainy shot (blame my HTC Desire, I desire an iPhone but my carrier unfortunately won't support it) from the UMD v UNCS Homecoming 2012 football game last Saturday. It was a great game, but we ended up losing by two points, boooo.
2. My roommate Meghan and I love our mascot Testudo! GO TERPS!
3. Another - definitely better - shot from when I was posting from Hornbake Plaza yesterday (see previous "gushing about Fall" post).
4. I love pumpkin spice lattes! I actually just love basically anything pumpkin flavored, it's one of my favorite things about Fall. I wish I could just get pumpkin coffee (and donuts and muffins and cookies and pies and and and ...) all year long! I also wish that my hometown had a Starbucks, not that I don't appreciate our own Mark's Cafe. I would definitely spend way too much money there if we did have one though, so maybe it's better that we don't.
1. A grainy shot (blame my HTC Desire, I desire an iPhone but my carrier unfortunately won't support it) from the UMD v UNCS Homecoming 2012 football game last Saturday. It was a great game, but we ended up losing by two points, boooo.
2. My roommate Meghan and I love our mascot Testudo! GO TERPS!
3. Another - definitely better - shot from when I was posting from Hornbake Plaza yesterday (see previous "gushing about Fall" post).
4. I love pumpkin spice lattes! I actually just love basically anything pumpkin flavored, it's one of my favorite things about Fall. I wish I could just get pumpkin coffee (and donuts and muffins and cookies and pies and and and ...) all year long! I also wish that my hometown had a Starbucks, not that I don't appreciate our own Mark's Cafe. I would definitely spend way too much money there if we did have one though, so maybe it's better that we don't.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Just Enjoying the Season
Right now I'm sitting outside enjoying Fall while I should be finishing a book for my English class at 3:30. If you're familiar with the University of Maryland campus, I'm at Hornbake Plaza. There's some group in the middle advocating for their cause, as usual. It's cool this time though, they're working for hunger relief, I think, and they have this big banner taped down on the ground and their schtick is they'll paint the bottom of your feet and have you walk on the banner to show support. I might do it before I go to class, but I also really like these shoes and I don't exactly want to get paint on the inside of them, and all there is to wash your feet off is a bucket of water...oh well. We'll see.
Today actually has some great weather, in my opinion. It's not raining, which is nice. The sun isn't out, but it's still bright out, and the whole sky is this big white blanket that I just want to tear down and wrap up in. It's chilly out, but just chilly enough. I love it. Having some sunshine would be nice, but today is almost perfect just the way it is.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Autumn To-Do List
Carve pumpkinsDecorate for HalloweenUse lots of pumpkin recipesEnjoy the Western Maryland scenery- Spend an afternoon with friends in Downtown Cumberland
Attend as many football games as I canPumpkin candles!Read 3 books before winter breakLook for boots to fit over my calvesMake my bedroom more "me"- Simplify, declutter, minimize
- Go thrifting (without contradicting simplification)
- Research nice cameras --> buy a nice camera
Build a new playlist- Watch 5 new movies
- Write at least 10 pages
- Give Sheer Wonder, Baby a makeover
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Friday Five, Sort Of / Instalife
1. Wells and I carved jack o'lanterns last week, and I made mine into a cat! I used the pumpkin guts to make muffins, and I'm definitely into the idea of cooking and using pumpkin, it was pretty cool. We had to throw out the pumpkins after a few days though because they were rotting.
2. I printed out some Halloween pennants and pictures to use to decorate our apartment; these were some of my favorites.
3. I went home last weekend, and got this shot of the sunset on my drive back through Western Maryland. I miss those mountains.
4. This week was homecoming week here at the University of Maryland, and I answered 6 UMD trivia questions correctly and got this little stress turtle as my prize!
5. I seriously need to get back into my study grind for this semester. I haven't been taking school as seriously as I should (which contradicts my previous post about how important my grades are to me, I know) and I really need to get my ass in gear if I want to get my ideal grades.
6. I bought some Christmas lights at Target the other night and hung them up in my room. Something about the bulbs kind of messes with my vision, but I don't care because they make my room look cool anyway.
7. The other night at a party a few floors above mine in my apartment building, I ended up holding a snake. I think it was a ball python. It was pretty cool until it started going up underneath my collar, basically encircling my neck. That's when I started to freak out a bit.
8. Wells and I went to the homecoming men's soccer game tonight. We ended up standing in the freezing cold rain for an hour before leaving at the half, and on our way back through campus we both stopped on the sidewalk when we found The Biggest Leaf We've Ever Seen! So I picked it up and carried it back on the bus, through the pizza place where we got dinner, and up to our apartment, where it is now pinned to the wall.
9. This week was tough. I was upset and pretty exhausted by the end. Tests, difficult homework, and freezing cold torrential downpours. All in all though, life isn't bad!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
How Could You Feel So Entitled?
My roommate had to do this food challenge for her health class
where she could only spend $30 on food for an entire week, and then only eat the food bought with that money. The challenge
started on Tuesday Oct. 8th, so Monday the 7th she went to the grocery store to stock up
on food for the week. She bought two boxes of cereal, some apples, a
package of wheat tortillas, a small jar of peanut butter, 18 eggs, and 10
packets of flavored rice (all the same flavor). By Friday she was weak
and tired and couldn't focus because she wasn't getting enough nutrients or anything, because she wasn't eating enough. I understand that she
was trying to ration her food and was afraid of eating too much and running out before the week is over, but
honestly, even though she didn't get very much or a variety of healthy food,
she definitely has enough to last through a week if she measures it out
correctly (because it's not even over yet). Friday she basically quit the challenge and started eating
again because she was making herself sick. I was gone all weekend so I
didn't see what all she ate, but tonight when I got back, she made an
entire package of frozen chicken nuggets, ate half of them, and threw
the other half away.
I'm completely flabbergasted. The point of the challenge was to experience what it's like to be on food stamps, to know what it's like to not have enough. In my opinion, she did a really bad job when she was buying food anyway. Another roommate and I were at the store a day after she was, and we were looking at prices of different foods and figuring out all of the other things she could have bought to have healthier options and a greater variety of food to choose from throughout the week. I don't even care about that though, I just can't get it through my head that she would get to a point where she was sick from hunger, then waste so much food. I really don't understand it. It didn't even occur to her to only make half of the package of chicken nuggets, or that because SHE KNEW that she wouldn't want the leftovers later - she has a thing about not eating leftovers - she shouldn't make the entire package. I just...I really can't understand. I said something about it and she started giggling and was like "oh, I didn't even think about that...I'm probably getting a lot of judgement right now, but I'm still really thankful". I guess she meant thankful that she isn't on food stamps, and honestly when I first spoke to her I wasn't even trying to judge her, I was just trying to understand. And I still can't understand.
I'm completely flabbergasted. The point of the challenge was to experience what it's like to be on food stamps, to know what it's like to not have enough. In my opinion, she did a really bad job when she was buying food anyway. Another roommate and I were at the store a day after she was, and we were looking at prices of different foods and figuring out all of the other things she could have bought to have healthier options and a greater variety of food to choose from throughout the week. I don't even care about that though, I just can't get it through my head that she would get to a point where she was sick from hunger, then waste so much food. I really don't understand it. It didn't even occur to her to only make half of the package of chicken nuggets, or that because SHE KNEW that she wouldn't want the leftovers later - she has a thing about not eating leftovers - she shouldn't make the entire package. I just...I really can't understand. I said something about it and she started giggling and was like "oh, I didn't even think about that...I'm probably getting a lot of judgement right now, but I'm still really thankful". I guess she meant thankful that she isn't on food stamps, and honestly when I first spoke to her I wasn't even trying to judge her, I was just trying to understand. And I still can't understand.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Friday Five
1. I'm home for the weekend! It's my high school's homecoming weekend, and my sister and cousin are in the newly-formed marching band so I'm back to watch them perform at the football game tomorrow! Also because a lot of my friends - including Katie and Kyle ~bffs 5evr~ - are home this weekend, and because I miss my family, and because I miss my bed, and because of probably a lot of other reasons too but nothing really serious, just because. Tonight my family just went over to grandma's house for pizza. Lots of family was there: Uncle Billy, Uncle Jamie & Aunt Laurie and their daughter/my cousin (one of my favorite people in the world) Emily, and then my parents, Claire, and me. Which I guess actually isn't a lot at all, but it was still really nice for us all to be together. I've really missed hanging out with Emily and Claire, the three of us together. The three of us hanging out as a unit was honestly probably one of my favorite parts of growing up, especially after I got my driver's license and we started going on adventures together. Tonight was fun. Tomorrow everyone will go up to school and join in the homecoming festivities and the class of 2011 will partially reunite and we'll see tons of people from other classes and it will just be a great weekend.
2. A weird thing about this weekend though is that Jim's band, Dogjaw, is on tour right now while they're off school for Fall Break (which I won't have - UMD WHY DON'T WE HAVE FALL BREAK, HMM?). It's really strange being home and not planning out my weekend around when I'll get to be with Jim. I mean I guess it's nice on that scheduling level, I can spend all of my time with friends and family and not have to worry about balancing it out with alone time with Jim. And allow me to clarify that spending time with Jim is not a hassle or anything that I ever worry about. It's just something that I love doing, so when I'm home I prefer to do it for much of the time that I'm here, so now I don't have to feel like I'm neglecting my friends and family or missing out on hanging out time with anyone. They were in Cleveland tonight, which I think is pretty cool. I like that they're touring and getting more experience and getting more fans. I believe in them.
3. I got basically a C on my econ midterm. I feel like this massive hypocrite, because I recently made that big post about how important my grades are to me and how much school is a part of my life, and then I just fuck around in econ and don't care about it at all. I think it's because I've gotten myself into this mindset where it really doesn't matter, because I was originally taking it because I was planning on double majoring in English and Gov&Politics, and I needed econ (and math111, which I'm also currently taking) to get into the gov major. Now I'm not really planning on studying government anymore, so econ has become just a random elective that I need to keep a grade in for my general gpa. Which in and of itself should be motivation to do well in the class, but the fact that I no longer need it for a specific requirement has pretty much wiped it off of my list of priorities. I really do need to rearrange that list, anyway. I don't know. It makes me feel bad to not care about econ, but at the same time I just can't make it seem important. I'm going to work in it to maintain general good grades, but that's about it. Scraping by and doing the minimum amount of work, that's my middle name.
4. I updated Claire's iPod touch to iOS 6 tonight. She was super worried about all of her music getting wiped off of it (which did happen, sorry Claire!), but I at least was able to back up her photos and general settings. She wanted the update so that she could use the device to its full potential and get access to apps that needed an updated version of the operating system to work correctly, but she was freaking out about losing her media and having to start over. I know that's just a general thing, anybody would be worried about that, but I just thought it was kind of interesting. Even though she knows that all of the music on her iPod also exists on either my laptop or on the family PC, she was still so scared of losing everything and having to start over. It kind of makes me think about life - yeah look at me, getting existential over an iPod update; I should be a great philosopher. Or a youtuber. Anyway, it was just interesting to me because it kind of made me think about life and relationships, and when we know that there are things that we need to do in order to grow up or make ourselves happier or just get to a better place or something, but knowing that it might hurt or take a lot of work really holds us back. Even when we know that we could survive if we had to start over, that we have all of the tools to rebuild and start again, it's really hard to make that jump and do what we need to do. Claire was really scared of losing everything, but she told me to do the update anyway, and even though her media was wiped, we can rebuild her library. That's just something I'm going to try to remember. We can always rebuild the library.
5. I'm really tired right now. I feel like I haven't been getting as much sleep as I should be lately, and I guess that's just a college thing. It's really stupid, I stay up late for no reason, I'm not even doing homework or accomplishing anything or trying to do anything productive. I'm just up hanging out with my roommates or dicking around on the internet or skyping with Jim (every night, that one). I stay up way too late and don't have enough time to really get ready in the morning and I always say that I'm going to go to bed earlier and then it doesn't happen. Right now it's 3 am and I should have written this earlier and I'm getting up at 10 so that I can get my shit together to be at my hs campus (a 10 minute drive, nbd) by 11:30 to watch a soccer game and hang out with my friends. I need to go to bed. I always need to go to bed.
2. A weird thing about this weekend though is that Jim's band, Dogjaw, is on tour right now while they're off school for Fall Break (which I won't have - UMD WHY DON'T WE HAVE FALL BREAK, HMM?). It's really strange being home and not planning out my weekend around when I'll get to be with Jim. I mean I guess it's nice on that scheduling level, I can spend all of my time with friends and family and not have to worry about balancing it out with alone time with Jim. And allow me to clarify that spending time with Jim is not a hassle or anything that I ever worry about. It's just something that I love doing, so when I'm home I prefer to do it for much of the time that I'm here, so now I don't have to feel like I'm neglecting my friends and family or missing out on hanging out time with anyone. They were in Cleveland tonight, which I think is pretty cool. I like that they're touring and getting more experience and getting more fans. I believe in them.
3. I got basically a C on my econ midterm. I feel like this massive hypocrite, because I recently made that big post about how important my grades are to me and how much school is a part of my life, and then I just fuck around in econ and don't care about it at all. I think it's because I've gotten myself into this mindset where it really doesn't matter, because I was originally taking it because I was planning on double majoring in English and Gov&Politics, and I needed econ (and math111, which I'm also currently taking) to get into the gov major. Now I'm not really planning on studying government anymore, so econ has become just a random elective that I need to keep a grade in for my general gpa. Which in and of itself should be motivation to do well in the class, but the fact that I no longer need it for a specific requirement has pretty much wiped it off of my list of priorities. I really do need to rearrange that list, anyway. I don't know. It makes me feel bad to not care about econ, but at the same time I just can't make it seem important. I'm going to work in it to maintain general good grades, but that's about it. Scraping by and doing the minimum amount of work, that's my middle name.
4. I updated Claire's iPod touch to iOS 6 tonight. She was super worried about all of her music getting wiped off of it (which did happen, sorry Claire!), but I at least was able to back up her photos and general settings. She wanted the update so that she could use the device to its full potential and get access to apps that needed an updated version of the operating system to work correctly, but she was freaking out about losing her media and having to start over. I know that's just a general thing, anybody would be worried about that, but I just thought it was kind of interesting. Even though she knows that all of the music on her iPod also exists on either my laptop or on the family PC, she was still so scared of losing everything and having to start over. It kind of makes me think about life - yeah look at me, getting existential over an iPod update; I should be a great philosopher. Or a youtuber. Anyway, it was just interesting to me because it kind of made me think about life and relationships, and when we know that there are things that we need to do in order to grow up or make ourselves happier or just get to a better place or something, but knowing that it might hurt or take a lot of work really holds us back. Even when we know that we could survive if we had to start over, that we have all of the tools to rebuild and start again, it's really hard to make that jump and do what we need to do. Claire was really scared of losing everything, but she told me to do the update anyway, and even though her media was wiped, we can rebuild her library. That's just something I'm going to try to remember. We can always rebuild the library.
5. I'm really tired right now. I feel like I haven't been getting as much sleep as I should be lately, and I guess that's just a college thing. It's really stupid, I stay up late for no reason, I'm not even doing homework or accomplishing anything or trying to do anything productive. I'm just up hanging out with my roommates or dicking around on the internet or skyping with Jim (every night, that one). I stay up way too late and don't have enough time to really get ready in the morning and I always say that I'm going to go to bed earlier and then it doesn't happen. Right now it's 3 am and I should have written this earlier and I'm getting up at 10 so that I can get my shit together to be at my hs campus (a 10 minute drive, nbd) by 11:30 to watch a soccer game and hang out with my friends. I need to go to bed. I always need to go to bed.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Friday Five
1. This week, man...this week. I had two exams and a paper, and it was all a lot of work. I've pretty much run myself into the ground, even if I didn't seem like I was doing that much in the way of studying or working. I'm stressed and sleep deprived and today was definitely showing it. I need to really just relax this weekend and try to recoup.
2. Yesterday we had a little roommate meeting, and I'm actually really glad that we did. We talked a bit about how we can sometimes upset each other without meaning to, and the ways that we need to recognize that and respect each others' boundaries. I'm glad that we had this talk now, rather than a few months from now, because it definitely caused problems in my room last year, and I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible now. I think we're all good now though.
3. Jim is coming to visit tomorrow! I'm really excited, I haven't seen him for a few weeks and it'll be nice to get to spend the night with him. It also means that I have a lot of chores to do though, room-cleaning and laundry to do before he gets here tomorrow night. But it'll be worth it.
4. My roommate Chelsea is taking the LSAT tomorrow. She's been working her ass off trying to prepare for it, and I think that she's gonna rock it. I really respect her for all of the effort that she's put into it, and into this semester in general. She knows what she wants and she's going to do whatever it takes to get it. I admire that about her, and it makes me want to change my lazy ways and get my ass in gear to achieve all that I want to do with my life.
5. I've decided that I think that I want to become a teacher. I want to go back to my high school and teach English and literature. I've actually thought for a long time that I don't have the patience or disposition to be a good teacher, but I just woke up earlier this week and was like "I want to be a teacher. That's actually what I want to do, for real. I'm going to do that." I know that sounds kind of stupid or whatever, but that's usually how my best ideas take hold. They take root and then I just can't get them out of my head until I do something about it. I want to make an advising appointment soon to try to figure out what I would need to do to get all of my credits in.
2. Yesterday we had a little roommate meeting, and I'm actually really glad that we did. We talked a bit about how we can sometimes upset each other without meaning to, and the ways that we need to recognize that and respect each others' boundaries. I'm glad that we had this talk now, rather than a few months from now, because it definitely caused problems in my room last year, and I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible now. I think we're all good now though.
3. Jim is coming to visit tomorrow! I'm really excited, I haven't seen him for a few weeks and it'll be nice to get to spend the night with him. It also means that I have a lot of chores to do though, room-cleaning and laundry to do before he gets here tomorrow night. But it'll be worth it.
4. My roommate Chelsea is taking the LSAT tomorrow. She's been working her ass off trying to prepare for it, and I think that she's gonna rock it. I really respect her for all of the effort that she's put into it, and into this semester in general. She knows what she wants and she's going to do whatever it takes to get it. I admire that about her, and it makes me want to change my lazy ways and get my ass in gear to achieve all that I want to do with my life.
5. I've decided that I think that I want to become a teacher. I want to go back to my high school and teach English and literature. I've actually thought for a long time that I don't have the patience or disposition to be a good teacher, but I just woke up earlier this week and was like "I want to be a teacher. That's actually what I want to do, for real. I'm going to do that." I know that sounds kind of stupid or whatever, but that's usually how my best ideas take hold. They take root and then I just can't get them out of my head until I do something about it. I want to make an advising appointment soon to try to figure out what I would need to do to get all of my credits in.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
C+ Stands for Crazy Friendless Bitch
Sometimes I wonder if I take my grades and perceived intelligence too seriously. Today I got back an English 301 paper that I thought I did really well on, only to find out that I actually got a 'C+'. It was a poem explication, and I did a close reading on "Living in Sin" by Adrienne Rich. According to my professor's notes on my (5 page, 4 hour) paper, I had good insights and thoughtful interpretations, but I didn't use enough technical literary terms in my explication. That made me kind of mad because even though I may have explained and interpreted the poem well, I still didn't get a good grade because I wasn't 'technical enough'. I feel like at this point, being able to interpret and understand a poem is just as important as being able to say "she used a metaphor here, this was a good use of imagery, there's some personification over there". In all though, I was more upset than angry (even though we do get a rewrite, and in a few weeks I will get a new grade to replace the C+).
I even ended up in a fight with my boyfriend about it, because he doesn't know how to make me feel better when I get upset about school, and that makes him frustrated and upset, and it becomes this big awful thing (but we're fine now). What he doesn't necessarily understand is how much I value my intelligence and grades as a part of my actual self worth. When I was younger, I was really obnoxious and weird - still am, of course, but in different ways - and a lot of people didn't like me. They wouldn't actually come out and say it, but you can just tell sometimes when people are very annoyed by you, or when they just generally don't want you around. I picked up on that a lot in middle school. It got to a point where I would make myself feel better by considering my grades, and the fact that I was in all of the 'upper classes' for my grade level. Even if people didn't like me, it was ok, because at least I was smart. And that got me through, and now, even though my social situation has changed, it still has a big affect on how I view myself and my levels of self esteem.
Now when I get bad grades, or even grades that are just average like a C+, it still makes me feel like I have nothing. It doesn't matter that I have more friends now, that I have a boyfriend, that things are going really well in my life. All that I can think about is my grade, that this one teacher might think that I'm stupid, that if anyone else finds out that I didn't get an A or a B, they'll think that I'm stupid too. All I had was my intelligence, all I had to make myself feel better was the fact that I was smart, I knew what I was doing, I could get better grades than other people and even if they didn't like me, at least I had something to be proud of myself for. But when I get those average grades, when I don't understand math or I don't write a paper the way my professor wanted me to, that all goes away. I can't be proud of myself, I have nothing to hold up in the mirror and say 'hey, I'm worth something today'. And even though I know that it's not necessarily true, it still bothers me a lot.
I even ended up in a fight with my boyfriend about it, because he doesn't know how to make me feel better when I get upset about school, and that makes him frustrated and upset, and it becomes this big awful thing (but we're fine now). What he doesn't necessarily understand is how much I value my intelligence and grades as a part of my actual self worth. When I was younger, I was really obnoxious and weird - still am, of course, but in different ways - and a lot of people didn't like me. They wouldn't actually come out and say it, but you can just tell sometimes when people are very annoyed by you, or when they just generally don't want you around. I picked up on that a lot in middle school. It got to a point where I would make myself feel better by considering my grades, and the fact that I was in all of the 'upper classes' for my grade level. Even if people didn't like me, it was ok, because at least I was smart. And that got me through, and now, even though my social situation has changed, it still has a big affect on how I view myself and my levels of self esteem.
Now when I get bad grades, or even grades that are just average like a C+, it still makes me feel like I have nothing. It doesn't matter that I have more friends now, that I have a boyfriend, that things are going really well in my life. All that I can think about is my grade, that this one teacher might think that I'm stupid, that if anyone else finds out that I didn't get an A or a B, they'll think that I'm stupid too. All I had was my intelligence, all I had to make myself feel better was the fact that I was smart, I knew what I was doing, I could get better grades than other people and even if they didn't like me, at least I had something to be proud of myself for. But when I get those average grades, when I don't understand math or I don't write a paper the way my professor wanted me to, that all goes away. I can't be proud of myself, I have nothing to hold up in the mirror and say 'hey, I'm worth something today'. And even though I know that it's not necessarily true, it still bothers me a lot.
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